Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign. When the seat belt sign illuminates, you must fasten your seat belt. Insert the metal fittings one into the other... oh screw it. If you don't know how to fasten a seat belt by now, you deserve to flop about the cabin. We suggest that you keep your seat belt fastened throughout the flight, because if we require an emergency landing, it improves our chances of survival if at least 43% of you are trapped in your seat by an impenetrable nylon strap in 1976's most popular shade of blue.
If you haven’t already done so, please stow your carry-on luggage underneath the 4 square inches below seat in front of you so that your knees are properly adjusted by your ears at all times for the duration of this 7 hour, 42 minute flight. The good news is that when you throw a blood clot from being cemented in a z-shape, you'll at least have your Kindle and your Mentos nearby. You can also stow your luggage in an overhead bin, provided the yahoos who boarded before you, ten rows back, haven't claimed your bin space as their own. Extra points if they actually urinated on it to mark their territory.
Make sure your seat back and folding trays are in their full upright position. Wouldn't want you to bruise your forehead during that 20 second death spiral, now would we?
Please take a few moments now to locate your nearest exit. In some cases, your nearest exit may be behind you. Yeah, good luck getting to that one. Those fuckoffs won't even let you get to the bathroom without jumping in front of you. If we do need to evacuate the aircraft, floor-level lighting will guide you towards the exit. You won't be able to see it through the mad crush of screaming hoards, but don't say we didn't try.
If you are seated next to an emergency exit, please review carefully the special instructions card located in the seat pocket in front of you. No, not the SkyMall catalog. No, not the barf bag. No, not the airline's version of People magazine. No, not the prior passenger's wad of snotty tissues. Yes... yes, that's it... the card that is pristine save suspicious spots of spittle all over it. Don't worry - your instinct is correct... in the images, the people look calm, but inside, they're shouting "GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT! MY POLYESTER JUMPSUIT IS ON FIRE AND BONDING TO MY SKIN!" Rest assured, no one expects you to carry out any emergency duties; you were just the first one to book the seat with the extra leg room and 97% higher chance of survival in the unlikely event of a mid-air collision.
A life vest is located in a pouch under your seat. How you actually get to it in this sardine can of a shitfest is up to you. Just be happy there aren't chickens in cages rattling around on your neighbor's lap. Good luck and Bon Voyage.
At this time, we request that all mobile phones and other electronics be turned off for the full duration of the flight, as these items might interfere with the navigational and communication equipment on this aircraft. Actually, no, that's horseshit. If an iPad could bring down a 747, we're all screwed. We just want you to be miserable. So, no Angry Birds.
We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. If you didn't know that already, you're a dumbshit. We do, however, encourage sneezing, wheezing, coughing, snoring, nose whistling, breathing loudly, talking loudly, burping and passing gas. Also, don't ask us for anything, and for god's sake, don't fall asleep with a limb in the aisle.
We'd now like to thank you for flying Chewing Cardboard airlines. We know you have choices and that ours was the cheapest, but we are going to pretend you are a loyal customer, anyway. Please sit back three inches, relax with the able assistance of your cat's Xanax and enjoy the flight.
