Commercially Viable Reprint

So, I haven't written here for a long time and there are a thousand reasons why, but the truth is that I've been hanging out on facebook and stalking Robert Pattinson, and I just haven't had the time, energy or inspiration.

I figured that in the interim, I'd post something that I posted on facebook - two birds with one stone, or some such junk. Here it is - 25 things about me.

1. Moving to Portland was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I can be myself here, regardless of which personality decides to rear its head. I love the rain and the green. I do miss my east coast friends terribly, of course… and I’d kill a man for a dozen blue crabs.

2. Sometimes I look in the mirror and - I swear to all that is holy - Velma from Scooby Doo is staring back at me.

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3. My biggest regret is not going to Vassar.

4. Beto tried to dump me twice when we first started dating (which he denies). There’s a lesson to be learned there: there’s no telling how far a little blackmail and some thinly veiled threats can take you in a relationship. Just don’t go so far as to boil any bunnies.

5. When I watched The Price Is Right as a kid, I’d cry when the old people won.

6. Sometimes I chew on my tongue while I’m sleeping which makes for a very uncomfortable morning.

7. When Beto travels the world, I typically paint the walls or rearrange the furniture, and live on toast, diet coke and raisin bran.

8. I spoke at my father’s funeral when I was 17. And I have a black sun tattoo in honor of his memory, because he used to call me “Sunshine”. He was apparently deluded about my general disposition, but that’s what dads do.

9. I would jump in front of a car to save a dog. And I love hunting accidents. Show me a hunter who would go up against a camouflaged animal with a gun, and I’ll show you a real man.

10. I LOVE to win. But I also appreciate the benefits of losing.

11. My favorite parts of my job are arguing motions in court, mentoring young lawyers and being able to volunteer on nonprofit boards, etc. My least favorite part of my job is dealing with constant and unending conflict.

12. The last time we left Stan and Cindy’s house, we arranged their garden gnomes in compromising positions and took pictures.

13. Joanie once called me mercurial, and I’m totally okay with that - proud, in fact.

14. I haven’t had chocolate in 25 days and stopped eating red meat about three months ago after seeing a cow headed for slaughter and looking out the window with awe and glee at the new world around him. I do make one exception for the occasional Higgins cheeseburger.

15. My mother read The Exorcist while she was pregnant with me, and on that, I blame EVERYTHING.

16. I’ve seen George Carlin, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld and Robin Williams. I’ve also seen U2 six times and Bono once, and I’m sad to say that after 22 years of faithful admiration, that man is actually starting to get on my ever loving last nerve.

17. New Year’s Eve should be a day of mourning, not of celebration. YAY! ONE YEAR CLOSER TO ARMAGEDDON! BRING ON THE SPARKLY CARDBOARD PARTY HATS!

18. I am rediscovering my love of horror movies. Real-life fears include death, spiders and being forever stuck behind a Portland-area Subaru station wagon driver, who are - in case you didn’t know - the undeniably worst, most irritating drivers on the planet.

19. Many of my friends got pregnant, and *I* gained the baby weight. Nice. I don’t even get a tax benefit. Can I claim my ass as a dependent? It’s larger than an infant.

20. I often fear I’ll spend my 30s wondering where my 20s went, and spend my 40s worrying about my 50s.

21. I greatly dislike posturing and pretense. I greatly admire charity and humor.

22. I don’t want children. I’m serious. I’m not kidding. I have no biological clock. That ticking you hear is probably the sound of my watch as I’m monitoring the time left before I can go blow some money on something irresponsible. I am deficient and ill-equipped to deal with pregnancy OR raising a small human. HOWEVER, if I did have a boy, I’d want him to be a big-boned foul-mouthed capitalist like Cartman, minus the racist and anti-semitic tendencies.

22. I tend to run my head into anything and everything - dryer doors, coat racks, car doors, pool tables, airplane ceilings (over and over and over again), walls, door jambs, sales displays… I’ve never bled and I’ve come close to being knocked out only once.

23. I had a great childhood because of the friends I made and the adventures we got into.

24. My dream job would be a doggy-daycare-owning cinematic music supervisor and photographer. Lunch breaks would consist of 30 minutes of playing on the floor with oodles of puppies, and I’d get bonuses for sleeping in.

25. Beto cooks, does the laundry, irons and shares in the cleaning and grocery shopping. I must have seriously suffered in a past life to deserve someone so genuinely good. I know… I can’t believe he hasn’t fled yet, either.